You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
