I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
