New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
