We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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