Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
