goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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