I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
