After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
