My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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