I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
