i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
