They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The adults are the big ones right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
