Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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