the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
