You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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