The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
