We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
