you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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