he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my shit smells like andre
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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