dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
