i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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