The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
