Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
