Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
