When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
