C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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