Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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