I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
