Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
