Betty ford says i'm here all night
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
be right there i have to get my cape
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
