i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
