i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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