He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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