So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
