Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
