OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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