Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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