I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
