I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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