I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
