You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
