My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
