I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
