I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
