Sry I called you an 8
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
