Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
be right there i have to get my cape
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
