i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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