I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
