I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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