I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
