My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
