Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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