Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
