just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
