i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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